Back.

I need to come back and to talk about weight.

I’m at my highest weight ever. I’m not even a little ok with that.

OK, It’s Time For Me to Get Real

I’ve been floundering for over a year.  I’m tired of struggle fail.  I need to buckle down and get serious.

I’m breaking this down to some basics.

Tracking

Yoga

Steps

Sleep

Staying within points target.

 

I want to keep track of it all, with small, silly rewards.  So I bought fun stickers.  I’m excited to get going on this one!

 

 

Goals

It’s been a long time since I articulated my goals.  It’s time I touched base with that again.

By Sunday PM, I want this list to be knocked down to a manageable size.

House stuff

  • Nag Raj to get the stuff from his project out of my kitchen.
  • Finish the reorganization of Deven’s room
  • Shampoo the downstairs carpet and the living room

Health stuff

  • track all my food
  • make decent choices
  • exercise at least 3 times this week

Brain stuff

  • finish all of chapter 2
  • finish all of chapter 3
  • review the stuff I missed in chapter 1

Knitting

  • get the baby sweater out of time out and finished up
  • get the matching hat and booties rolling

Friend stuff

  • put together a spinach lasagna and take over to Carla and Matt along with that baby sweater.

AAAAAALLLLLL of this stuff has been on my list for a long time.  I’m such a slackmaster.  Last night, i did dig into chapter 2 a bit.  It’s not interesting material but it is valuable information for me to have in my brain.  I have to keep reminding myself that I really want that designation, that it’s an important piece of professional growth and that if I ever want back to college (I do. I really, really do,) I’m going to have to get used to studying again.

I’m just.  I’m just an old dog trying to learn a new trick.  In high school, I largely got by with my wit and charm and didn’t really apply myself to anything.  That won’t work here.  I’ve got to buckle down.  It’s hard to make myself.  But I WILL.

And that is all.

A Shift

Keto doesn’t work for the way I approach fall. We eat lots of soups, lots of potatoes, honey crisp apples.  I refuse to miss that.  I’m not just steering myself off course without a plan, though.  We’ve got rules around here…

  1. I’ve got to measure my food.
  2. I’ve got to log my food
  3. I’ve got to give a damn.

If I don’t follow my own rules, then I have to give up all of the stuff I ‘refuse’ to give up.

Keto is PERFECT for spring and summer, but fall and winter is for calorie counting.

Last Week

For the past week, I haven’t been keto.  I haven’t been anything.  Not a wife, mother, good employee, anything.
Monday night, as I was coming home from a great haircut and chat with a friend, I was happy.  As soon as I walked in the door, my husband told me to call my older sister.  I remember rolling my eyes.  Most of the time, with something like that, it’s something minor.  Maybe even something weird.

I sighed and called her back.  The first thing she did was ask me if I was driving.  My heart started beating a bit harder.  This can’t be good.  I told her, no, I’m home.  Then she gave me the news.  My cousin, someone I grew up with, was gone.  Things hadn’t been going well for her and she made a very permanent decision to address a very temporary problem.  I couldn’t do anything but cry.

Devastated.  Filled with guilt that I’d lost touch with her.  Heartbroken for her kids.

In my family, when someone dies, we circle the wagons.  We sit together, be sad, and reminisce.  We sometimes drink too much. I couldn’t do that.  My husband was having some issues at his work, so I needed to be around to get Deven on the bus, pick him up at school.  I’d be heading down for the funeral, but that’s it.

I tried to numb myself as best as I could, because I couldn’t sort things out in my head.  I ate whatever, drank too much, closed myself off from everyone.  Binge-watched Gilmore Girls.  Because that’s what makes me smile.  Finally, Friday came and I headed off to my family.   Saying good-bye was so much harder than I thought.  But I got there and I sat in a room and I cried.  I hugged her mom for too long.

I’m going to miss you, Kendra.  I’m going to honor you by getting myself back on track.  By not succumbing to my own anxiety and depression. I’m putting myself back in the driver’s seat.  I’m still so upset.  I’m still a little bit going through the motions.  I still just want to drink too much wine and sit and be sad and watch Gilmore Girls.  But I won’t.  I’m going to take the rest of October off from more than one glass of wine per week.  I’m going to limit myself to one episode of GG per day.  I’m going to start studying again.  I’m going to stay KETO.

I can’t let this take me down, too.  She wouldn’t want that and neither do I.  I’ve got a family to rejoin.
Be well, everyone.  Try to be someone’s light.  Ask for help when you’re feeling desperate.

I think the universe is laughing at me

I looked back at about the past 30 days and am down a grand total of 2.5 lbs in a month.  One of those pounds came off overnight last night.
It’s funny, because this happened just when I was getting ready to just walk away from Keto.  I like the lack of cravings.  I like the reduced hunger.  I just don’t like how slow this thing is happening.  I’m more than 2 months in and I’m only down 12 pounds.  Now, keep in mind that 10 of those pounds happened in the first month.  So right now, it’s going sloooooooow.
I’m not quitting.  But Saturday is my anniversary and I’m going to have a cheat meal.  Then I will avoid the scale for at least 3 days.  No good can come from checking the scale after a cheat meal.
How are you all doing?